The Lightfoot Lane Blog

This week saw the six-month anniversary of Linda’s death come and go. Now I’m not someone who normally gets particularly bothered by dates, times etc; things like that don’t tend to get to me (they’re just “another day”). But this time it had a bit more resonance for me as I was asked to take a funeral on Tuesday, 6-months after I’d spent my last night with Linda holding her hand all night as her body packed up.   

The funeral was of the sister of a good friend of mine here at FFMC who together with his wife have been very supportive to me personally. Christine had contracted measles aged 18-months at the same time as Ian; Ian recovered but Christine didn’t and as a result, spent her life effectively as an 18-month old child in an adult’s body, passing away aged 55 on Good Friday.

I know that when you have cared for someone through some of the harder knocks life throws at you, when they pass on from this life for those of us left behind there is a whole range of emotions. On the one hand there is a deep sadness, emptiness. Something triggers a memory and you find yourself crying for seemingly no reason. They are no longer sitting in their chair like they have always done. You walk into their room to speak to them before you remember they’re not there and perhaps walk out again feeling a bit cross with your self. Or perhaps there is a sense of relief, a sense of being set free both for them and for you, or a sense of business-like “that’s life”. And then you feel guilty for thinking such things.

All these things are natural, normal responses to losing someone special, and it’s important that we allow ourselves that time to grieve. To give ourselves permission to do so is an important, healthy decision to make, not to bottle it up but to allow ourselves to express how we feel honestly, openly and healthily.

Times like this also cause us to ask what some people call “the first order” questions of life – or to put it another way, we ask questions of life and death. Perhaps we each stop and ask what life is all about, or what happens when we die. How can we be sure of what happens after we die – does anything happen when we die? Or maybe when we look at Christine we ask questions of life - why – why did God allow Ian & Christine to both contract measles but only Ian to recover and Christine to have her whole life changed in that one moment. Why does God allow lives to be so tragically cut short, potential lost?

As someone who recently had to face these very questions myself, I know that sometimes there are simply no answers that can be given. To listen to a minister or any well meaning person try to trot out trite answers to questions of suffering can sometimes be offensive or hurtful. I have found that chasing answers to these questions can actually sap our energy, and sometimes prove to be a fruitless search.

But what I have found is that as a Christian, God is never far away from us at times like this, and rather than trying to make sense of the pain I have found it more helpful to draw strength from simply choosing to trust God. And so I prefer to focus upon those things we can know, the answers we can find and be sure about.

Who has the right to measure the value of anyone’s life? Who has the right to say that one person’s life is more valuable than anyone else’s? And how do we measure life anyway? I would suggest that the value of someone’s life can be measured by the effect that they have on other people. Seeing Christine at home with Ian and the family, and watching them struggling led their neighbour to begin the Charnwood Trust which has a significant impact working to build bridges between handicapped and non-handicapped children. Without Christine, would others have ever benefited from this care?

I believe it is therefore fair to say that the best of human virtues are wrought through the most difficult of circumstances. And in seeking to share God’s love with people hurt, damaged, disadvantaged in life we are actually walking in a way close to God’s heart.

I think I surprised myself with how I got through the service! My “weepy” moment came at the end when I was on my own at the door looking back at the coffin while everyone else was listening to a reflective CD by Michael W Smith. But I don’t think anyone noticed….

Family news: scary, but my kids are growing up too fast! Olivia dressed up for her school disco last night in a pretty dress, high heels, had her hair done, make up and perfume. She looked really pretty - but she’s not 9 until the end of May! Help!Oh, and I’m being ordained on the evening of Friday 9th May at Renewal Christian Centre!God is good!

One of the exciting new developments for 2008 has been an approach from Preston Police to explore and develop ways in which better relationships between the police and the church in the city can be developed. As a result I have begun to be involved in a new working group with the Police and representatives from other “faith” communities whose aim is to build better relationships between people in the city and in the process begin to tackle some of the social issues that exist, which the Police hope will lead to a reduction in crime and a safer Preston.

One of the objectives of Hope 08 is for better collaboration between the church and the Police and local authorities, and as a result of being part of this new group, the church in Preston was invited to be part of a Police led multi-agency (MAP) Partnership Action Week in Ribbleton last week. This involved the Police, Probation Service, Fire Brigade, Environment Agency, Housing Associations etc. We went along mainly to observe as it was the first time we’d been involved, but a team of people from FFMC, St Stephen’s and Longton Community Church worked together under the Hope 08 banner to give away free teas and coffees to the workforce, to clean up litter and some real grot spots and even helped get the community having a go at cleaning up graffiti etc. for themselves.

An article on this was featured in the Reporter - (alright they got some details wrong calling it Hope Awake which sort of sounds like Hope 08!) - but for more info see Hope 08 - Trees Estate. (Photo above courtesy of the LEP/Reporter!)

I think things like this are really exciting - and present the church with an opportunity to show relevance in the world, and input into communities with the Hope of the gospel in ways which professional agencies can’t. The potential for the church, if we truly believe in the transforming power of Jesus Christ, are immense for the future - parenting courses, community pastoring etc etc - I look forward to watching the church in action in the future and seeing God through His people reaching a hand out to offer a hurting world real, lasting, life changing hope.

Wow! What a busy seven weeks since I last posted - is it really seven weeks? Time goes past so fast these days - but it’s been a fun couple of months with loads going on - theatre show, an amazing training away day with 120 adults and a whole pig…and lots more!

First before I go any further, thanks to all of you who have been praying for me and the kids. When I last posted, I was in discussions with a national publication about featuring a story on us as a family in the national press. I decided eventually to not proceed with this - I just felt that I wouldn’t have been able to get enough of my story in, in the way we would have wanted. At the end of the day, we’ve only coped because of God and anything that doesn’t reflect this is missing the point! We’d just be another same old sob-story without this. Anyway, following some discussions with AOG’s publishing house, I did an interview with them that has just been published in this month’s New Life newspaper - (see New Life Article for a copy of the article) and I have another article being featured all being well in April’s magazine “Prayer“.

So what’s been happening with us? Well firstly we survived Christmas. Mind you, I think over the 2 week period we had almost no time on our own such was people’s kindness and concern for us. The kids were up hourly from 11:30 Christmas Eve to the point I gave up at 3:30 and left them all playing so I could try and get some sleep! Then we had Linda’s birthday in January (which to be honest I just tried to ignore) and now we are getting on with building a new life, with new memories!

Mind you, this policeman business as a single parent gets very wearing!!!! I hate being the “bad-guy” all the time, having to chase the kids - it really is like herding cats sometimes! But we are learning that being on your own means lots of changes. Whereas in a marriage someone is there to talk and interact with the kids while the other gets on with the business of running the home, now by the time you have run the home it’s bedtime, and creating quality time for each other gets eaten away with the mundane cooking/cleaning/washing etc. Then I guess I’m just finding out what all the other mums and single parents have known for a long time.

But we are doing better than just surviving - we are beginning to enjoy life again, make new memories and building a new life. That’s why I resonate so strongly with my role on Preston’s Hope 08 core team - I believe in the hope of the Gospel. It’s not just hope for some far off eternal future, but “hope for today and bright hope for tomorrow!” Trusting in God can mean you can go through life’s hard knocks and come through scarred but strong - and normal.

And that’s the bit I like, feeling normal again….and looking forward to the future.

While I was off on compassionate leave in October, I sat down and wrote an article for our church magazine “Heart” on coping with Linda’s death; the emotions and things that we went through and how our faith had been foundational to being able to cope. I found it incredibly therapeutic to write it!

Well last Monday (10th Dec)  this was picked up by the Lancashire Evening Post who ran the article from Heart almost word for word, cutting out one or two paragraphs but all the same, a fantastic privilege to be able to share something of my story with a wider audience.

See First Christmas without Linda for a copy of the article.

Linda and I always said that if we had to go through this, we wanted it to be something that might bring hope and help to others and that God might use it to bring others to a place of faith in Jesus, and already I have had contact from people as a result of it being published!

Please pray for us though; as a result there is wider growing interest in our story and I need real wisdom to know the best way to allow our story to be communicated!

Well I’ve been back at work a month now, so how’s it been? I have to say, right now I feel normal. I feel normal, my kids are behaving normally, and life feels normal. And I literally thank God for that. After everything that’s gone on recently, to be feeling normal is something to be very thankful for. But what is normal? Our normal is probably different to yours! 

Being back at work has been great. I’m not someone who can sit still easily, or for long, and so for me getting back in the saddle as quickly as possible I’ve found to be so helpful. I know some people have been, and still are, worried for me that “it’s too early” or that “I’m rushing things;” I think some people also think I should be falling apart, and that not to is some form of denial or failing, but to be honest, I think I’d go stir crazy if I didn’t get on with life! And in doing so, it also helps heal the pain and was something that Linda gave me permission to do – so you could say I’m under instructions to get on with life! But I genuinely feel normal, which as I keep saying is possible for a Christian whatever we go through! However, I do genuinely really appreciate people’s love and concern for me, it is amazing to know the sense of being carried and lifted by this. Thank you.

It’s been great to be busy again. And already over the last month I’ve begun to see God opening up opportunities for me to lean on what I’ve been through for the benefit of others. Our next issue of Heart goes out this weekend, and I was asked to write an article to follow up Linda’s article of 2 Christmas’s ago. That was actually therapeutic for me to do, and already I have passed it to a friend who has lost their dad this week. I have also found myself talking to people who have lost close friends and family to cancer this year; to friends facing tough decisions in hospital, or who have emotionally been chewed up and spat out by life.

I also got back in the pulpit at Fulwood – and found myself speaking in our series through John’s gospel on: What would Jesus say about…fear? God seems to have a way of throwing me back into the front line very quickly – and it felt as if I was able to speak from a place of experience rather than theory! But then, isn’t that how it should be? Sermons also usually have a boomerang element for the preacher – I just hope it helped others as much as it did me!

So thanks for your support! We are doing great, and by God’s grace, I pray we will continue to walk hand in glove with him through the Christmas period, Ben and Linda’s birthdays etc over the next 6-weeks.

It probably feels like a bit of an understatement, but the last 2 months have been the worst of my life. Even though we all knew that Linda was very ill, and had been preparing for it for sometime, it was still a shock to me when she died - you think you’re bullet proof. When you have cared for your most loved one for so long through something as horrible as cancer, part of you adapts to life without them before you have to. Even so, the pain of loss is excruciating.

I didn’t know that grief was physically painful – the day after she died I had pins and needles down one side all day, whilst my guts just screwed up inside of me for days. I had to put two extra holes in my belt by the end of the first week. I found myself walking into rooms and asking myself why I had gone in there. In Asda, I spent 5 minutes staring at the shampoo shelf just trying to spot the bottle of shampoo we always had. And the tears. I have never cried so much, or so deeply ever – the whole of my body just shook from somewhere inside of me I didn’t know existed every day for a week.

One of the questions I get asked regularly at the moment is “How do you cope – and you a minister?” Quite simply I don’t know how anyone could cope without faith in God. That’s not me being flippant, or religious, or a minister – it’s the result of the last 17 years of learning to trust God through tough times and discovering that Christianity is true.

This is a question I have turned to repeatedly over the last month - “If this God stuff is true…” Over the summer I was researching evidence for Christianity in order to begin writing some material looking at my argument “we don’t have a blind faith, but one that stands the test.” To know that the foundations of our faith are solid, trustworthy and reliable means that the rest of the house can stand. Paul writes “If only for this life we have hope, then we are to be pitied more than all men” and for the Christian, death is just the beginning. Linda is more alive than ever now, and I choose to celebrate this and live in it despite the pain of separation. It is possible for the Christian to do this however bad the circumstances are we go through.

 In addition to the amazing love and care of my church family who have adopted this southerner-stranger who speaks funny into their hearts, another thing that has lifted me has been my kids, their simple, childlike faith and their ability to embrace and get on with life. They go faster than us adults want to sometimes, and it is impossible to be down for too long with the hustle, bustle, fights and laughter of normal family life. They are truly brilliant and a real joy to me as I learn to be a single parent. And some of their questions make you scream (with both pain and laughter!) For example, Esther is desperate to know if God cooks the party food in heaven!

I’ve started back to work this week after a month off. I needed it to get my head back together, and last week we returned to Kent for a week with friends and family. That was a great time, a real time of special blessing, refreshing and encouragement. I never realised how much people loved us, and it filled my tank up to get going again !

So watch out folk - I’m back!!!!

Lindra Drury went to be with her God and Father on Tuesday 2nd October 2007 at 1:35pm.

A funeral will be held on Monday 8th October for family only.

A family celebration service will be held at 5.30pm on Monday 8th October at Fulwood Free Methodist Church. This will be a 45 min service followed by tea, please bring children and food.

There will be no sermon, Pastor Andrew will be doing a children story about resurrections.

It would be great to have as many children there as possible so that Ben, Olivia, Esther and Tim are not there on their own.

Once again, thank you all for your continued love, prayers and support for us as a family – it is a very precious thing to know the sense of being carried by your prayers.

I know many of you want to be kept up to date, and so here is my weekly update! Yesterday I took Linda into St Catherine’s Hospice for “symptom management.” Recently she has hardly been able to stay awake, she has been getting very sick and has been in constant pain despite the increases in both her morphine and anti-sickness drugs; physically she is now finding it hard to get up the stairs, or to just do the basic normal things. Participating in family life for her has become really difficult, and she has now got to the point where, after such a long time of coping, she “has had enough.” Personally I think of all people she is entitled to feel that way! So we agreed together that now was the best time for her to go into St Catherine’s as they are probably best placed to try to get her comfortable. At the moment we don’t know whether how she is feeling is predominantly drug or cancer induced, and so having their excellent care is good thing.

It’s a very strange feeling taking her into a hospice – we have seen so many people go in and not come out again that it leaves a very ominous feeling on your heart as a husband and father. Feelings are a strange thing – recently I have been reflecting upon the different reactions people have been having towards Linda’s illness. A few people come up to me, or e-mail me to say “God has told them that she is going to be healed.” Others seem to think that her healing is dependent upon me just “Believing/Having more faith”; others have e-mailed to say we should stop praying and let her go whilst the majority of people seem to just not know what to say, or panic. When Linda was first diagnosed, our consultant said two things – first that he has found people with faith cope better with cancer, and secondly that often the people going through it cope better than those around them! So if it helps, I have a very simple approach to all this; I know God can heal (he is still in the miracle business), but I also know he doesn’t always, so I hope/pray for the best but prepare for the worst.

A friend stopped me in the playground last week to ask me how I cope. I was able to share with her how, although things are tough and painful, I have learnt to trust God increasingly over the last 18-years and how, as Linda and I have been able to face her death together, I have discovered a real, tangible sense of peace coming from a real assurance. After all, if this “God stuff” is true, and the significant historical, scientific, and experiential evidence says it is, then it is possible to face this with strength, and for Linda this is just the beginning.

Hi there - just a quick update for everyone who I know has been following our story/praying for us. Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot - and there are too many of you for me to say thank you personally.

In my last post I mentioned that we were going to go to Christies to see about Linda going onto a new trial drug. Well, we went last Friday but unfortunately they confirmed that Linda’s cancer has progressed too far for her to go onto this. They spoke to our consultant and planned for her to start a new course of tablet-form chem, one that she hasn’t tried before.

So Linda went for a pre-chemo blood test Monday, but her bloods were too low and so Monday night they rang us and asked Linda to go in overnight for a platelet transfusion. Her bloods continued to deteriorate, and she ended up being in until tonight (Wednesday) having had to have another blood transfusion. She was however allowed home tonight, and has also started the new course of chemo. They are hoping that this will help to reduce her liver swelling, which is now getting significant as is her pain and discomfort which is causing her breathing to struggle.

It’s been a tough week over the last seven days, as we as a family face mum’s health failing quickly together. Talking to the kids about this and the realities of Linda’s illness is always tough, and more so as things gain pace. I have also asked Linda’s family to travel up from Kent to visit her this weekend - that will be VERY tough.

Having had long periods of stability, we have always found that when things happen, they happen fast. Linda and I would therefore really appreciate your continued prayers, as we are now at the place of having to decide whether to carry on with her treatment or not. For now we are watching and seeing what happens with the latest chemo, and then make our decisions as questions of quality of life are now more important than ever.

But in the midst of this the one thing I have found that, although it chokes me to watch my wife struggle and to talk to my kids, there is a tangible sense of peace as we draw strength from a strong sense of assurance. We talked about facing the tough decisions together as Christians knowing where she is going, and this has really given us strength to face what lies ahead of us. Paul writes in Philippians “To live is Christ, to die is gain” and I guess its only really when your back is against the wall that you can claim the right to quote verses like this and really understand them.

 It was a big day Monday in our house. Our youngest, Tim, started school and did so in his usual style! It was a great day for many reasons - not least because we now have all 4-kids at school, (hooray!!!) and (for 2-years anyway) in the same school! But it was also special because when we found out Linda was expecting Tim 5-years ago, Linda was diagnosed with cancer shortly afterwards, and so for her to see Tim start school was always going to be special.

September started with a bang! Whether it was the Furnace Ball, conducting my first wedding Saturday lunchtime or the fantastic evening we had with Bobby Ball Saturday night, it was great to see so many smiling, happy faces - faces transformed by God’s life changing presence. At the end of the day, that is what lifts my heart to see - God at work in people’s lives bringing them laughing into God’s family.

Mind you, God never promised us that the Christian life would be easy. Meeting recently with some of our more recent converts, once again I sat and listened to their stories of how life seemed to be kicking them in the teeth since deciding to follow Jesus. It reminded me of what I say to probably everyone who makes that decision - when we cross the line from the enemy’s camp to God’s camp, all hell breaks loose as “old ugly” seeks to neutralize the small shoots of faith and and pull people back to his camp and not follow Christ. If you stick your head over the parapet, you will get shot at, and sometimes we forget the intensity with which the enemy wars against God’s work.

Today Linda and I visited our consultant again, and had confirmed what we were expecting to hear. The last dose of chemo does not seem to have worked, and they believe that Linda is now progressing to the next stage of her illness. She has increasingly struggled over the last few weeks in just about every way (sickness, fatigue, pain etc) and so they are going to carry out another blood transfusion, another scan and transfer her care to Christies in Manchester. There they hope to start her on a new drug trial that is underway as well as put her on a different chemo. So we move on in our journey, our battle - not much of  a day though for our 15th wedding anniversary…!

When I was leading on Sunday, I finally plucked up the courage to choose to lead “Blessed Be Your Name.” I thought I could speak about it without getting choked (but I was wrong!)

“Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering, When there’s pain in the offering, blessed be your name.”

In 2 Samuel 24:24 David says that he doesn’t want to sacrifice something that costs him nothing. If Linda and I have to face “pain in the offering” then I want God to use what we are going through, and bring people whose lives are broken and hurting to know that in God, there is hope. As Paul wrote to the Ephesians, (6:11-13) sometimes all we can do is stand, and knowing God’s strength and peace to be able to do that is a real privilege. I wonder whether we all feel that way? It’s OK you know to just stand when the waves crash around - it works for lighthouses……..

Thank you for your continued support, love and prayers!